Cats (2019)
REVIEW BY: ROBERT CHANDLER
Oh, boy. Where to begin? CATS has already boosted some critics’ careers by dropping into their laps at Christmas the weirdest, most demented, going-to-be-the-most-talked-about movie of the year. The claws came out. Peter Bradshaw wrote his brilliantly puzzled review in a pastiche of TS Eliot and set Twitter ablaze; Caspar Salmon wrote “at no point do you get used to how it looks”, complained about the cats having necks but no anuses, and found himself invited onto the BBC News to discuss the disaster.
I couldn’t wait to see it.
I was more interested in seeing CATS than the eleventh STAR WARS film (if we don’t include the two Ewok films, CARAVAN OF COURAGE and THE BATTLE FOR ENDOR)
I just watched it on a Friday night in a packed Cineworld cinema. People were walking out. One group of four were late, missed the opening, found their seats in the darkness and then, twenty minutes later, left.
It wasn’t because missing the opening number caused any confusion. Nothing really got set up. In fact, the film flagrantly disobeys all the rules of storytelling and screenplay structure. But not in a good way. It made me want to beat the director over the head with a hardback copy of Robert McKee’s Story tome, or, at least, in the spirit of the kind of reference the film mistakes for humour, Blake Snyder’s Save The Cat.
Many people were there to see how bad it actually was. This is a shame, no film should have to bear that ignominy. Will it become this generation’s ISHTAR? Maybe.
Questions: Why did some cats wear shoes? Why was Jennifer Hudson’s nose running all the time? How was Macavity able to magic himself in and out of places in a puff of smoke except when he really needed it? Why was the dog barking rather than talking when the mice and cockroaches were blessed with the power of speech? Why did the cats have no genitalia yet Rebel Wilson was able to make a heavy-handed joke about one cat being neutered and “given the snip”? Why did Taylor Swift have a larger than usual bosom? Why was the catnip dispenser (based on Studio 54’s cocaine moon) making the cats sleepy rather than wired? What the hell is a jellicle? Why did they refer to Rebel Wilson as a Gumby Cat and where was Michael Palin with his rolled up trousers when you needed him? (This could have made a nice meta reference to Eliot’s Prufrock). Why was Rebel Wilson keeping the singing mice chorus from BABE in her cupboard? Why was Rebel Wilson able to unzip her fur and step out of it - unfathomably weird to behold - when no other cat had this ability? Why did Judi Dench break the fourth wall to tell us cats are not dogs? Was Eddie Redmayne the aeronaut piloting the hot air balloon at the end as a favour to his The Danish Girl director? Why was there a hot air ballon at the end?
Okay. Sorry.
What was good about it?
There were a couple of moments where the sentiment and lyrical lift of the songs worked briefly.
Jennifer Hudson’s rendition of MEMORY is touching and powerful; but only because the song is.
The SKIMBLESHANKS THE RAILWAY CAT number is rather fun, a line of cats tap dancing on a live railway line over the Thames.
MR MISTOFFELEES almost works as a song about having faith in yourself, believing in magic, but then the director fails to use the basic tools of cinema (ie editing) to show the magic saving an important character’s life (this is the point of the song), instead just having the saved-character wander back onto the stage after the last line has been sung. All sense of reach and cross-cut tension gone.
Here’s my confession. I have a thing for catwomen. (Hello, Selina Kyle). I found screen newcomer ballet dancer Francesca Hayward magnetic to watch as Victoria (why not give her a fun name?) She is seriously sexy in her tight white fur and whiskers.
Idris Elba in his slinky brown fur close-fitting onesie is a delight for the eyes. As is Jason Derulo in his scrappy leathery outfit. Taylor Swift with her Stepford bosom. All those tails suddenly standing erect at certain moments. Ultimately, this promise of kinky furry sex in a neutered world where characters have no genitalia just doubles down on the magnificent weirdness of the film.
Go see it. Enjoy it. There won’t be anything else out there like CATS for a long time.