GODZILLA VS KONG

* MILD SPOILERS, but, honestly, it really doesn’t matter*

GODZILLA VS KONG.

It’s like it was written by a child, for a child.

This is further underlined by having a deaf, mute child at the centre, communicating with Kong via sign language. The child is the only one who understands the big furry fella; the only one he will talk to. That old chestnut. That the child is constantly placed in harm’s way during a series of calamitous battle and fight sequences appears to concern nobody.

There’s no story, just a manipulation of big dumb plot points designed to slide two groups of characters together. I’m talking about the humans; Kong and Godzilla appear to be perfectly capable of finding each other anywhere in the world, so I’m not really sure why the human characters are needed. Indeed, the structure of GvK makes Del Toro’s dumb, awful and badly told PACIFIC RIM look convoluted and considered.

Characters are allowed to roam vast subterranean, hi-tech-cathedrals and travel around the globe on underground hyper-loops without being stopped or challenged. In these vast techy spaces - the kind of spaces that exist only in the fever dreams of vfx artists - a bad guy has built mecha monsters and is staging kaiju monster fights. So is the bad guy stupidly wealthy, or is all this stuff government subsidised? That the film appears not to know or care means we don’t either.

None of the cast comes out of it particularly well, save perhaps Kaylee Hottle, who plays the deaf mute girl, and Brian Tyree Henry, charged with bringing the comedy.

But, add it up: you have the magical indigenous child with special powers; the supporting black guy who is the funny one; the mother (Rebecca Hall) with little to do except express concern about her two “children” (Kong and the magical indigenous child); and the blandly heroic white guy, a scientist, who (provisionally) saves the day. Look again Warner Brothers at what you are doing here with these stereotypes. It tastes bitter when you can push the vfx that the state-of-the-art is so incredible as to look and sound super-real (Godzilla fighting Kong underwater, wet fur and battleships on broiling oceans, two giants tumbling into neon-lit skyscrapers in Hong Kong), and then marry this astonishment to really poor writing and dumb lazy stereotypes.

That the vfx and fight choreography are excellent only makes the whole, empty spectacle sadder. There is no subtext, just two beloved creatures duking it out with each other... for what purpose? When they are joined by a third, whom you know the execs have calculated will have fans salivating, the heart just sinks deeper.

There’s a sequence in the second act that manages to evoke Jules Verne, Arthur Conan Doyle and pulp sci-fi artwork of the 1930s and 50s that might be worth the price of entry. It involves a visually splendid “special place” where Kong feels at home, and it came at a point in the film when I was still optimistic that something might be salvaged; it made me think “okay, let’s stay here, the dafter this film becomes, the better it is”. However, we don’t get to stay and the sequence is undermined by throwing away the difficulties the characters had getting there. Because of its location, the characters had to go through a theme park ride in disguise as a fantastic journey, where gravity and light get bent, but, then, to get out again, Kong just climbs through a big, freshly carved tunnel and our heroes follow. It renders the early journey worthless. A light show. When you throw away your science - especially science created for the film - like this, you throw away your self-respect. You throw away your film.

And, good God, who chose the songs? Someone was trying to James Gunn the misbegotten affair with quirky 70s hits and they fall flatter than King Kong toppling and landing on his face. Ouch.

The upside: some brilliantly choreographed and directed fight sequences, stunningly achieved. The downside: everything else.

Sadly, the film represents the diminishing returns of the misguided “monsterverse”. A series of films made by mediocre fanboy directors and executives who think fan-service is the way to go. Well, it isn’t.

We love King Kong and we love Godzilla... let them rest in peace, please.